back in the saddle, but it's a different animal

I've been back at work now for a month. We're all doing okay. It's just a different animal, what with the breast pumping, bottle washing, and child care pickups bookmarking and bookending my days. But just like everything else with a new baby, every day is easier—and harder—than the day before.

Easier, because you're constantly learning and improving and becoming more efficient. Harder, well, because you're raising a child and working full time and somewhere in between you have a relationship to nurture and a life to enjoy. So far, it feels that I'm doing everything, but nothing very well. Meanwhile, Meals has dealt with things like a true champ.

For both of us, it's a milestone week. She's turning 4 months on Thursday. And I turn 32 tomorrow. All of a sudden she's doing things like sucking her thumb, making growling noises at the nip, and rolling over from back to belly. She's growing! And for the first time, Mama feels older than her years. Where did all those wrinkles come from? It's bittersweet.

We had our usual Sunday night family dinner last night and it ended up being a surprise birthday party for me. Emi made her famous cupcakes and before I blew out the candles, Col snapped this photo of me and my girl. I absolutely love the expression on her face. What could be going on in that little mind of hers? I think our girl is going to be a thinker, for sure. And what was I thinking? Happy happy birthday.

she rolls

This morning, I put Amelia down for some tummy time. I left for a second to grab my phone and when I got back, I saw this:

She rolled over all by herself! Pretty sure it was a fluke, I put her back on her tummy to see if she'd do it again. She did. Two more times. Then she got tired and was over it. But later in the day I got her to do it again and this time, I was ready with the video camera. Just shy of 11 weeks and already rolling over. That's our girl!

sleep walking

When I was pregnant, it used to really bug me when people would say, "get as much sleep as you can now, cause when the baby comes, you won't get any..." To be honest, I was annoyed by a lot of things people said when I was pregnant. Thank the hormones. The sleep thing was especially aggravating. I think because deep down, I knew I could never be totally prepared for what was about to happen to our comfortable little lifestyle. (Can you really stock up on sleep points in advance? I don't think so.) But the people saying these things had already been through it. They had one up on me and I hate that. Yes I do. I like to know everything. I like to be right about everything. Ask my husband. It's probably one of my worst faults.

Now that I'm going through it, I sort of wonder what the big deal is with sleep. More to the point, I am amazed how your body adapts to the situation to get you through. There's this whole other dimension of living life out there that I never knew existed until now. I'm talking about sleep-walking. When you're tired all the time, you don't feel tired. Sometimes you feel mellow. Sometimes you feel racy. It's liberating. Exciting even!

Nap when baby naps? Heck no! When she's down, I thrive on bursts of energy that creep up from nowhere. It's making me more efficient. The house is cleaner now than it ever was pre-baby. I can carry on an entire conversation with my husband without remembering a bit of it. Now that's what I call conserving brain power! And the thing is when you do sit down and "wake up" as it were from your zombie dance, and realize that yes perhaps you've reached the end and you need a good old vacation on a tropical island away from everyone, your baby throws you a bone: maybe she decides to sleep for a whole 6 hours in a row that night so you can refuel (go, Amelia!). Or maybe she just gives you one of those heart-melting smiles that says, "it's okay mamma, we can just sit here for a while and do nothing. I'll stare at the ceiling and you can stare at me. And we'll just do nothing and be happy."

the sick

It started out as an innocent cough. So minor, it could've been mistaken for some spit-up down the wrong tube. But the cough didn't stop. Then she started feeling warm and would cry if I tried to put her down. I took her temp. Too hot. By midnight, cough and fever had progressed to congestion and trouble breathing. I was convinced she was going to die. We held that baby all night and didn't sleep a wink. Morning was a long time coming. But finally, the doctor's office opened and they told me to come down right away.

The nurse weighed her. "She's gained 2 ounces since her check-up on Monday!" She took her temp. (Of course, she didn't cry this time.) Normal.

I stammered, "uh, I just gave her Tylenol an hour ago. Maybe that's why her fever's gone..."

A quick exam by the doc and he concluded, "Yup, she's got a cold. Keep doing what you're doing. She'll be better in about a week."

A cold? I thought to myself. A cold??? Am I totally crazy? I almost brought her to the ER last night.

Silly me.

Silly me for lots of things. For thinking the cold was a deadly virus. For waking the doctor up at 1 in the morning because my baby had a stuffy nose. For being convinced I damaged her sinuses with the bulb syringe. But mostly for thinking that childbirth was my formal initiation into this thing we call "parenthood." There is a new initiation practically every day. And I'm feeling humbled by it.

Day 3 and still a little groggy

2 months, feels like 2 weeks... or 100 years

Our baby girl turned 2 months this week. Christmas seems like years ago. And yet, we wonder, "where did the time go? How is Amelia so old already?" Isn't that a classic child-rearing cliche? Somewhere between diapers and daycare, that girl grows up and we're left feeling nostalgic for the good old days already. Crazy.

But she is still a little, wittle babby. She had to get her first round of shots yesterday at the Doc. Three of them! And the helpless cry they elicited in our tiny babe made both Col and me shed our own tears. Still I made Col snap some photos with his phone, saying, "we'll want to remember this." Am I nuts or what? Just posting these pics makes me want to cry all over again. But then I think about how wonderful it felt afterward to be able to console her with hugs and kisses and a little snack at the breast. As my friend's mum put it later that day, there's nothing like the feeling of being able to console a crying baby.

Some other things from the last couple of weeks:

Sapphie finally got to hold her little cousin. She was so careful and tender. My heart melted. They're going to be great friends, I know it.

Last Monday, Colin and I took Amelia to a fund-raiser party for Spielpalast Cabaret at Muddy Waters coffee shop. There was music and dancing and it was lots of fun. There was this crazy old drunk man there with a Burlington Elks lodge t-shirt on. We were all pretty sure he stumbled in to the party from Esox, the dive bar next door. He seemed very out of place. He was fascinated with Amelia, who was sleeping in the sling. He kept on and on about how special it was to see mother and baby. He was very tipsy and kept referring to Amelia as a boy. Finally, I told him, "she's a girl!" And he replied back with his thick Vermont accent, "Well, she's kinda got a man's haircut, don't she?" I was sorely offended, but Emi told me I should write that one down.

Later that week, Emi and I took Amelia to Homegoods to pick up some stuff. There was this crazy old lady smoking outside the store. You could see billows of smoke surrounding her face. I thought she'd have the good manners to mind her own business with all that stinky smoke around her, but as I approached with my baby, she actually leaned in and started cooing in excitement. I started freaking out and thought the woman was actually going to try and pet Amelia. Suddenly she jumped back and exclaimed, "oh my God it's a baby! I thought it was a dog!" Emi and I kept on walking and didn't look back. I tried not to be offended by that one either. Are there really people who carry their dog in a sling, we wondered? There's really no accounting.

First stroller ride without the carseat

Three sisters and a baby at the Cabaret fundraiser

Yipes stripes!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Loving cousins

2 months old!

Before shots

After shots :-(