Wednesday, February 06, 2008

making mends

How often do I say to myself lately, "I wish I was more like her... I wish I was the way I used to be... I wish I were better at..." The fact is, there will always be wishes like that. Regret for the passage of time. Sadness that so much has changed. That so much is changing.

You feel it too sometimes, don't you?

Inevitably, we feel it a lot with friendships and relationships too. "Why can't we love the way we used to? Why don't we eat dinner together anymore? Why are we always bickering? Why don't we talk anymore?"

What am I doing wrong? I'll tell you: what's wrong is when you wallow in it.

I've been wallowing this week and Col has been paying the price. I was wallowing so hard tonight, it was making me so tired, wound up and cranky. Finally, we dragged ourselves outside with our empty shopping bags and into the midst of a beautiful snowstorm. As we walked to City Market and started chatting, I felt the weight lift. We were spending time together and we were enjoying it. So much so, that we decided to go to Daily Planet and get a drink (it really is one of the best places to go in town on snowy nights).

We went to Daily Planet for a drink on a Wednesday night—instead of going grocery shopping—and all of a sudden we weren't asking those "Why" questions anymore. We were having a genuine deep conversation and getting to know each other again. We do love each other afterall. Why is it so easy to forget sometimes?

I really am trying to mend my ways and my attitude. I'm trying to stop feeling down on myself and start remembering why I love being me. Some days are harder than others. But on snowy days, it just feels a little easier to be glad—about everything.


Unknown said...

Why? Bacause life itself is made up of ebb and flow, ying and yang, ups and downs, and because we are living organisms we are not immune. The very pulse of being is balanced with these elements, these love-hate moments. The danger lies in the rut, when we fail to remember that this moment is passing, and something good is about to happen! Wait for it...relationships are too precious a gift to wrap them up with gift-wrap of self-centredness and ribbons of critism. We humans! When will we ever learn?! Love always, Maman xxx

Lauren said...

I liked reading that...heard a lot of the same things in my head lately, only in a different light. Always nice to know we aren't alone in our thoughts :-).

Cleopatra said...

thank you.
it's nice to be reminded that i am not the only human being that's acting, well, human. the only constant is change and instead of wallowing in the past or what could be we need to learn to embrace it.
it's more difficult than it sounds, i know.
it's good to know i am not alone in my thoughts. :-)

glimmering prize said...

oh sweetie- was thinking of you when c-dog came in looking for something for you to wear this weekend when you are shredding it on this hill(n hope the pants and one the one piece fit you! I think you will look like a bond girl in that white ensemble!) anyway- you and he- you make me think- why can't i be more like them-you have such a deep bond you have so much love for each other- you have such joie de vie! you might not see it- but you bring so much joy to so many people- recently, i learned that all the pain we endure is so we know the pleasure and the beauty deeper. how can you know what is hot if you don't know what cold is- embrace all sides- all moments- they are fleeting and will not last. this life is the only you will remember. and remember when you make mends- when you sew the pieces back together- you are reinforcing all that is good.
yours Ltrain

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