Monday, March 03, 2008

happy sad, part deux

Is this the year of life? Last year, friends moved away. In the spring, my grandfather passed. Then Granny Dot in the summer. Then our old family dog Caleb soon after. Then we got Suki. Little kitty, lovely kitty. To bring the old lady cat Au Lait some new life.

Is this then the year of life?

Elisa just had her baby a few days ago. Precious Zoe. Nicci will pop soon enough!

There will be weddings. At least four this summer... maybe more to come. I had to buy silver shoes for one of them. They came in the mail today. Must send them back. Too silver. Too tight.

When people get married, they lose a little piece of you. Or is it the other way around? When people get married, you lose a little piece of them. When people have babies, they gain a new world. Their life purpose is made more concrete. You start feeling a little more lost in the world.

When people go and buy a house, you're still a renter.

That's just how I feel right now. When we got Suki, Au Lait became just a little bit sadder. She always will be now—just a little bit sadder.

I think it's okay for me to feel this way. To feel left out during the great milestones of other people's lives. It's not that I'm jealous or that I want to be the one in the gown or in the maternity clothes. Or in the coffin. I don't just yet. Truly. I'm not ready to be there myself. Just yet.

It's just that when others are at those milestones—the weddings, the births, the passings—they're substantiated in so many ways. By cultural affirmations, physical affirmations, public affirmations, ceremonies and celebrations. At that moment, any old person can look upon them and say, "So, that's where they are in life."

Whereas, those of us who are not quite there yet—those of us who are still working towards great milestones—are left floating around the sidelines, semi-transparent. Indescribable and so therefore somewhat invisible. Swooping in every now and then to affirm, to listen, to praise and to celebrate the lives of others. Happy, yet hardly noticeable in the grand scheme of things.

It's okay to feel this way. I think it's perfectly normal for everyone to feel this way—at some point in their life.

Still, I'm quite sure this will be a year of life. Yes, I'm quite sure of it.

1 comment:

rockergirrl said...

this is a lovely post. I have been a lurker for some time. I really enjoy your blog. We have a few friends in common but we do not know each other directly. This post really hit home to me. I am on the other side. Had the kids, changed friendships etc. In the end though it strengthened some and loosened others. It is sad. As is most changes in life. I wish I could hold onto the past sometimes forever. I love my current life but I find myself missing my old life too. Is that a horrible thing to say?

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